Happy 46th birthday, but I’m not exactly happy.

I dressed up for National Day! Haha you can’t really say it’s dressing up, cuz I still looked really plain. But Hammy likes this dress so I’m good :)

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In the end we both just stayed at his place to accompany his grandmother (since both his siblings are out), and watched the parade on television. I was okay with it, only because I know how crazy it is to be out when the rest of Singaporeans are out in the streets as well. It’s hell crowded!

I cringe as I recall 5 years ago when I went out with my friends to watch fireworks at esplanade, and had to walk in a sea of humans back to City Hall Mrt station ALONE. Back to back, plus I wasn’t tall, so I couldn’t see what’s going on in front 2 humans away. I just could follow the crowd and the human jam was so horrible that I took more than 40 minutes to reach the station, finally and I broke down in tears.

From then on, I never wanted to be out for any special ‘hell-lot-of-people’ occasions. I am very well and safe at home in the comfort of the sofa and fan, and I am a satisfied little girl :)

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Watching the National Day Parade invoked my sense of pride and love for this country. My tears welled during the flag-raising ceremony and the broadcasting of the National Anthem, and sorry I couldn’t help but to tweet-bomb about #NDP2011.

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I know that I love this place; my immediate family is here, and Hammy is here, my friends are here. Everything I owned is here. I would very much love to die here.

But why is it that I feel only disgust when I hear news like price hikes for transport fares, China neighbours forbidding Indian family to cook curry, or even worse (but expected) that there will be no action taken against TPL on the polling-day facebook comments.

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What is our country coming to? Are we able to trust those who are supposed to protect us?

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It pains my heart that the authorities are blatantly turning anything wrong into right. Though, laws are set by lawmakers, and we commoners can’t really have any say. We can only gripe on online platforms.

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 I love my country, but it’s these little issues that concerns our welfare that irks me. Or rather, it scares me. I’m afraid that the place I so love is slowly turning into some place I don’t recognize anymore. But like all Singaporeans, I hold on to hope. Hope that our leaders will hear us and do what they should and must to restore our faith.

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Ending off with a time-lapse video of the fireworks at the Parade, which I think is very beautifully done.

Vlogging is therapeutic.

You know what? I realized that vlogging is actually a very therapeutic activity. Not the process of gakking and yakking in front of the camera; it’s the after-publishing moment that rewards. I’m saying this because believe it or not, I have a phobia of speaking to others via a machine, be it a telephone, video camera etc.

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When I was working as an accounts assistant, I used to DREAD calling suppliers on the phone. Because my phone conversational skills are so bad, and my mind is absolutely in a blank (even when I knew what I had to say), I had to write in sentences on paper, exactly what I want to say to the person on the other side.

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For eg, if I wanted to asked for statement of accounts, I would write,

“Hi, may I speak to XXX from accounts department please? This is calling from YY company, I would like to request June’s statement of account. Can you fax it over? Our fax number is 6123 4567. Thank you!”

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If there was a discrepancy in accounts, I would write down what I was gonna say too. I usually would follow what I wrote, until the conversation took a direction that I didn’t think of (and didn’t write down), then I’d be using my meagre phone conversational skills.

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I don’t know why, but using the phone to talk to someone whom I cannot see is scary to me. I can’t see your facial expressions, I can’t read your body language. All I have is a voice. Even with Hammy, I don’t talk much over the phone, I tell him that I prefer to SMS, and he knows I dislike being on the phone. I hate calling the bank/school admin/mobile operators, to enquire or even to complain about something.

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So when I decided that I wanted to do a vlog entry for the first time, I was freaking out. Cuz vlogging is much like being on the telephone, you talk to an audience that is unseen, and this time, there isn’t even going to be a response. >.< But I was so passionate about it, I knew I definitely couldn’t miss the chance to do it.

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I took about 2 days to get the final video, the first day being me, alone in the room, door closed, and I chased Hammy out so that I could do my thang. As usual, I had my little ‘script’ of what I want to say in the vlog, word for word. Hahaha Hammy heard my first videos and went, ‘Nope, this cannot do, you’re talking too slowly… And you’re speaking with a script, that’s why you’re slower, because once you miss a sentence in the script, you’re jumbled up.”

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The next day, because all his siblings were at home, Hammy was stuck in the room with me. So no choice, I had to really brace my guts to speak to a web camera with another person in the room. And after like a few thousand tries, I managed to get a final video that is considered acceptable. =) After that I was just damn happy.

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Okay I mentioned that it’s therapeutic, why? Because after the vlogging process, you’ll need to listen to your own video, you are your first viewer. There is something calming and soothing listening to your own voice being played back, I don’t quite know how to explain. It just makes me more confident to know and see that I’m able to speak normally.

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This reminds me of a movie, ‘The King’s Speech‘, in which, the king’s speech therapist made him listen to his own voice played back to convince him that he could in fact speak fluently. Because all the while, he had been hearing his own stammer.

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I don’t stammer, but I do stutter over some words if I’m speaking to anyone with an angmoh accent. I feel intimidated cuz they speak too fast for me to catch. Then I’d usually say something stupid, realized that I’ve said something silly, and then become too shy to hold a decent conversation.

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But vlogging kinda forced me to relax while talking, and just have the words flow. Don’t be so tensed. And this helps a lot especially when it comes to talking to someone on the phone. There cannot always be a script, all I have to do is listen, and respond. Haha I’m like saying something common sense here, but I think people with a similar fear as me will understand.

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I know I’m improving now cuz yesterday I picked up the phone to book a slot for facial; talked to a stranger, discussed the possible dates and did it without a hitch :) Haha then after doing that, I felt accomplished. Because the old me would be scared, pondering over what to say and writing my conversation down on a piece of paper.

Nightmares galore

I’ve been having horrible nightmares the past 2 nights. Normally nightmares aren’t worth mentioning, but these 2 are somehow a reflection of real life and too scary for me not to voice them out.

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Nightmare #1 caused me to be angry with Hammy for the entire day! In the dream, Hammy had turned into a grumpy and angry monster who ruined my socializing event with some important business associates. Then I ran off to my grandparents’ after breaking up with him. I woke up feeling all messed up.

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Hammy spent the whole day trying to appease me for something he didn’t do, but by evening, I still wasn’t pacified because I felt that somehow it reflected how he didn’t allow me to go for the blogger food fest alone and ruined my ‘socializing event’.

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In the end he cuddled me and asked, “So am I not supposed to be concerned that you’re going to someplace without anyone you know and I know? If I’m not worried then something is wrong already right? If anything happens to you, it’s my responsibility. You might not realize it, but I’m responsible for you.”

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After he said this to me, I melted and said to him coyly after sorting it out in the shower, “Okay I forgive you.”

Hahaha when it wasn’t his fault at all and he should be the one saying that, cuz I made him a criminal the entire day. >.<

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I thought I wouldn’t get nightmares anymore but the next night I had a nightmare #2.

The setting was in my primary school, and I had to keep a small bird for a science homework. Then everyday, for some bizarre reason, I untie and tie up the tiny bird’s legs. This idea horrified me as in real life I would never want to tie up a bird’s legs and render it flightless. The bird is like the small birdie below.

Photograph by Yader Rivera on National Geographic

 But then it didn’t end there. However hard I tried, I couldn’t get the feathers of the birdie to flatten, they kept ‘poofing’ up for no reason and I couldn’t tie the legs properly.

I then ran crying to my mother saying, “I can’t do this anymore! I have to let it go!”

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Then I woke up, with the words still fresh in my head.

Although the ‘it’ in my dream referred the birdie, I can’t help but think it’s a sign, telling me that I have to let go of something in life. But what??

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I told Hammy about my dream and he interpreted as me holding on too tightly to my results. I didn’t do as well as I thought I would for this sem and was quite upset about it. I am quite a perfectionist and always had high expectations for myself.

In a way, his interpretation makes sense, cuz I kept trying to tie up the bird’s legs (which is something I don’t wish to do), and failed at it. Until I don’t want to do it anymore, same like how I decided I’m not staying in the bioscience industry.

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Hahaha. Oh well… Strange dreams are what we interpret them to be, right?